i’m writing this because we never had an autopsy,which were her wishes. i sit here all day thinking that i will NEVER know how she died and if she was in any pain. my mother had vasculitis in her legs. both her legs were covered in red marks like looked like dark red veins. she sometimes got ulcers from this. she also had high blood pressure and she found out she had hepitus c but never knew where it came from .. also,she was 54,her mother died of a stroke in her 30′s and her father died of a heartattack in his 40′s i think.
we were eatting at a buffet,everything was FINE. the ride there she was sitting in the backseat w/ my daughter who’s almost 2,and she was saying she had a bad headache but it ” like in my jaw and around my ears ” .. and i said ” is it like that headache you get when you have the flu ? ” and she said ” yeah! it’s like that ” … but she seemed normal,really fine,even at the buffet she was laughing and playing w/ my daughter ..
anways ..
we went to walk out,we were going to the car,she put her purses in the backseat and went to reach her arm up to brush her hair and then her arm went limp and i tried to run and catch her but she fell so fast and hit her head on the cement so i ran to her and was holding her while my b/f was calling 911 and she was out. she had some white stuff in her mouth and her eyes were a little open .. i was saying ” ma wake up!! ma it’s andie! ” this is the part that doesn’t make any sense to me … she was breathing for me i know she was b/c everytime i said that ” ma wake up!!! ” she would take a deep breath in and breathe for a couple seconds then stop. then she would stop altogether for maybe another 5 seconds and i would keep shaking her telling her the same thing and she would breath a little more,i could see her stomache going in and out ..
when the ambulance got there it took them like 10 – 15 mins to do cpr on her and hook up that heart machine and it was flat. i mean at this point i was screaming,swearing,telling them she was just f*cking breathing for me! what the hell is taking so f*cking long! they ended up finally leaving,and rwhen we all got to the hospital they took us in that little room ( at this point it was me,my bf keith,my sister and her husband and my father ) the doctor came in and said basically there was no hope and tried to tell us it could of been a stroke a brain anurisym?? or,because my mom had vasculitis in her legs,it could have been somewhere else in her body and clogged an arterie somewhere possibly to her heart or brain??? and he then told us that she must’ve died instantly. that’s the point where i lost it and said she was f*cking breathing for me i know she was – then he told me the body can do that on it’s own and let air out on its own it’s not actually her breathing but howcome everytime she would stop breathing altogether she would start to again when she heard me? i just want to know if she really died instantly and what she could’ve died from.
I ALSO FOUND A NOTE IN HER POCKET BOOK … the day of the funeral actually. you know when you get a thing of qtips and you have to rip off the piece w/ the dotted lines? it was written on that all folded up and it said ” september 30th ” .. ” we are taking “iz” to the buffet (isabelle) .. i dont feel very good. i have a headache but it’s like in my jaw and around my ears. just writing incase something happens. ” she went on to write how much me and my sisters meant to her,her grandchildren and my father .. this is another thing,i dont understand how she could’ve known she was going to die!??? and she didnt tell me i thought she told me nething … everyone keeps saying she didnt want my father to get upset if she needed to go to the hospital b/c she’d end up making another bill and my father is obsessed w/ money. THATS A WHOLE other story in itself.
this is eatting me away. the fact we never got an autopsy,and just the feeling of my mother dieing in my arms. she was my best friend,everything. i dont know why she didn’t tell me how she felt,just how bad it really was i feel like im starting to get angry w/ her in a way and i dont want to ..i feel like im going crazy and i need to talk to someone!!. all i can see is her face. can someone please tell me what might’ve happend? some more possibilities or what the most reasonable explanation is? and if she really died instantly!? im sorry this was so long.
thank u!!
also,her feet were always blue we thought and she thought b/c of the vasculitis,and she wasn’t getting any blood flow. everytime she went to the doctors they would check for a pulse,sometimes it would take them 10 – 15 mins to find it. the last time she went he found it but said it was very ” faint ” and he wanted her to get an ultrasound on her foot but she refused bc she was scared to make another bill b/c of my father. this was on the 28′th on a monday,and she past away on the 30th. i feel like an as*hole!! if i just made her do it and just told her to tell him to f*ck off i feel like shed be here idk